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I masturbate in the steam room and sauna with pretty much anyone who wants to join in. I’ve been doing that for many, many years. BUT… I also am sensitive to the rights of guys who just want to enjoy the heat without the distraction of boners.

I am pretty brazen about masturbation. I don’t worry about being caught. I evaluate the appropriateness of each opportunity. My main concern is not infringing upon the rights of my fellow men in a public space. Public spaces require a heightened sense of decorum and consideration. My intent is not to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

But… When I’m horny, I assess the situation and the others around me and if the sight of my erect penis is welcome by all present, we can all expose our cocks and enjoy a friendly bate. It’s essentially the same rule I follow at any JO club: Nobody has to do anything they don’t feel comfortable about or with anyone they don’t want to play with. It’s basic manners, basic mutual respect.

For me, my sex life includes a lot of personal, partner-only and social pleasure potential. I get lots out of all of those experiences and I value them all highly. I consider them all fundamentally “good.” I bring my lack of shame about my dick, my erections and my ejaculations with me everywhere I go. That includes the hotter corners of every health club I’ve ever been in.

And I’m never the only one… just possibly one of the most brazen.

I also bring my better judgement with me. I don’t suck a dick or fuck a hole if I don’t know that dick or hole is reasonably assured to be free of STIs. That means I just JO in public. I love sucking dick like the honeybee loves the flowers… but I’m fortunate to also love the sights, sensations and energies of jacking off with my fellow man wherever the moment presents itself.

I’d be irresponsible to also include this caveat: one should never engage in sex of any kind with anyone, under any circumstances, including jacking off or just exposing one’s erect penis, without first checking out that there is full consent there. The fact is, public masturbation is a crime and being convicted of it means one is a “sex offender” which in most real life circumstances, can ruin your life.

Yes. You may say that.

I’m at the gym every morning, and I’m really struck by the different ways different men deal with being naked in the locker room. It speaks volumes about how they feel about their bodies, their sexuality, their penises…

I have enormous admiration and respect for the straight guys who feel confident enough about their bodies, regardless of what shape they’re in, to walk fearlessly without a towel or underwear around the locker room. Likewise, I hide my absolute disdain for the “boxer boys” who are so afraid of their own cocks that they have to wear underwear to the shower, who have developed great skill around keeping their penises out of sight. I don’t care how in shape a guy is, if he’s compelled to carefully keep his penis hidden in a locker room, I consider him a child, and unworthy of my respect.

I’m deeply grateful to include regular social sex play in my life. I’m frequently amazed to live in a time and place where such a thing is possible… I don’t take it for granted.

[You can file this one under “back to basics” or “duh.”]

I am a bator.

I am not a “model” bator. I am not a “pure” bator or an “addicted” or “compulsive” bator, but I am very much a bator. Here’s what I mean:

I love to masturbate and I embrace masturbation as an important part of my sexuality. For me, the word “bator” also includes a conscious intention to divest myself of all residual shame and embarrassment I may have learned as a child and now claim masturbation as a significant, positive aspect of my complete adult life.

The term “bator” was coined as a sex-positive response to the many derogatory terms previously ascribed to masturbators (“wanker,” “jag-off,” etc.) With the advent of social networks for masturbation lovers, it was natural that fans of masturbation would ultimately want to identify themselves in a way that offered a positive spin.“Bator” is short for masturbator, obviously.

I personally love many forms of sexual expression, all within the constraints of a life of experience. I am a fucker and a cocksucker and a top and a bottom. I am also a bator.

My experience of masturbation is a complete sexual experience for me. It has its own unique characteristics, sensations, challenges and rewards, but it is, in a very fundamental way, part of the bedrock of my sexual self. It is my claim of ownership of my own body, my demonstration of self-acceptance and self-love, my own ecstatic dance of simply loving my life, of gratitude for being alive today.

What started as a simple contraction of the basic term has grown into a point of pride and a badge of self-possession. It is also related to the term “Jacks,” coined in 1980 to describe social masturbators claiming the practice as a fully valid expression of sexuality—as sex in its own right rather than foreplay. At its core, it means, “I masturbate and it’s as valid a sexual experience, as fully satisfying for me as any other sexual expression.”

So I gladly and freely and proudly claim my place at the table of men among the bators. We have rejected the judgement of the narrow-minded and insecure and taken control of our own sex. It is not all we are, but letting go of society’s judgement and proclaiming it is part of reforming that society. It is a new and essential part of coming out. So today, I am again coming out:

I am a bator.

I’m wondering if anybody genuinely feels like being at a JO club is not strange at all. I’ve been to hundreds of JO parties myself, and I don’t just play, I run the events, think about them, write about them… I am deep in the experience but there is always an awareness that this is “strange.”

What I mean by that is that it stands apart from everything we know and accept and run our lives by in modern, civilized life. When I think about it, I am deeply connected to ways of speaking, dressing, interacting in countless situations; I have beliefs of all kinds based upon my upbringing, my nationality, my class, my job, my decades of life… I have a real idea of who I am and what I am, even if it’s just an illusion. It’s no more or less valid or invalid than anyone else’s idea of who they are.

And the group JO experience is one of those things that exists outside of some of the most core beliefs I have about myself and society. I think that’s a really, really good thing, but I don’t think I can abandon my conditioning to the extent that I would never find it somewhat strange.

For me, I lean on the knowledge that this is, indeed, a fundamentally good thing we do at JO clubs, fundamentally honest, positive, affirming, exciting, uniting… I know it in my bones.

And I know that many, probably most men, struggle with the strangeness for a long time. Many can’t reconcile it with their lives outside the circle jerk, What’s your experience? Please offer a comment if you have been to JO clubs and you have an idea of what I’m talking about here… I’m interested in your sense of the “strangeness” of being in a group of naked, masturbating men.

Please only comment if you’ve experienced a JO club yourself. Thanks.

By far, the one question I get more than any other is some variation of, “Is there a JO club in ____?” Clearly, there are a hell of a lot of guys who just want what JO clubs have to offer and when they find out about us their one response is, “Hell yes! Where do I sign up?”

There is no current list of all active JO clubs being maintained. The one listing I go to when asked that question is the NY Jacks web site, specifically their page of Links. I just checked it and sure enough, there is a listing for “PS Jacks.” Unfortunately, as of this writing, that link goes to an “account suspended.” page, so it looks like the PS Jacks have faded. If anyone reading this has information about JO clubs in Palm Springs, please post that here in the comments section.

What I do know is that Billy Jack, the man behind the classic porn persona of Chad James, has been presenting Healthy Friction, a series of serious JO-centric weekend retreats since 1989 and many of them take place in Palm Springs. The events are intense, deep-bate experiences with men who are very, very into “the bate” as a personal, social and even spiritual practice. This is, in some ways, a step beyond JO clubs.

I see that they are currently planning Wank Fest 2013 at the Triangle Inn for the weekend of April 25 through 28, 2013. I suggest you contact them by visiting and joining their Yahoo group. Tell them JackDaddy Paul from Rain City Jacks sent you. Billy Jack is a luminary of bater culture.

Again, please add your comments to this question if you have any info about and buddy JO and/or group JO being organized in Palm Springs.

Yep! Class of 1979, U of I in Champaign-Urbana. I guess that makes me an “Illini” or Illinus or Illinum… My degree was pretty much worthless, so I don’t bestow much credence on that fact, but yes. I’m from there. I have an applied fine arts degree in music (vocal performance).

I also attended two years at NIU in DeKalb.

I got my most relevant experience those years (at least, as far as this blog is concerned) as bartender at “The Bar” on Chester Street.

I feel as if I’ve just woken up from a long hibernation. I’m not sure what sparked it, but I’m hornier now than I’ve felt in a very long time. I’ve been healthy, I’ve been masturbating regularly, I’ve been playing with others as much as ever, I’ve been sleeping well… so maybe it’s just the slightly longer days starting to roll in with winter rolling on, but I welcome it, whatever the reason. It feels great to not only have sex, but to feel driven by it and toward it.

I’m 54 now. I know I don’t have the chemistry I had in my twenties and thirties. I also know that I’ve got a hell of a lot of sex going on for the “average” man my age, and I have no intention of slowing down, but sometimes, we don’t get a choice, whatever our intentions. Life isn’t forever.

But… I came three times yesterday. Very unusual for me these days. The first orgasm came while cruising a phone line and looking at amateur porn. During that session I found a guy who I would meet later in the day and spent my second load with him, just after he spent his on my chest. The third erupted around midnight, when I decided to try on a new silicone “nuttsling” I’d just bought which very much worked some hard-cumming magic on my cock and balls.

And today, I’m horny all over again. I was seasoning a warm cast iron skillet with some bacon grease this morning and almost without thinking, found my hand rubbing the warm grease into my cock, thinking about how I would personally love to suck a dick slick with bacon grease (I am no vegetarian, folks). After a few minutes and full erection, I wiped down and decided to spend my energy on this note.

I have no shame about sex. I absolutely love it and can see clearly that it belongs in our lives in all kinds of ways. I have my opinions about some kinds of sex, but I mainly just love it and feel gratitude for it’s active presence in my life in myriad ways. Often, I want to think about it, look at it, write about it, talk about it… but mostly, I want to be in it. I look forward to sharing my experience with you more as the days grow longer. I hope you will share yours with me along the way.

To all my followers and anyone curious about where the hell I’ve been, I just want to check in to let you know I am just over here, in the weeds. I’m taking a deliberate hiatus while the whirlwind of projects blows through. Look for me to emerge at the end of May.

In the meantime, I will respond to any serious question or comment posted in the blig, so if you want to hear from me before the end of the month, try nudging me with some query. All you have to do is click the “Ask me anything” link at the top of the page, or post some salient commentary in any of my existing entries.

Otherwise, sit tight, my friends, and I will be back before you know it.

Cheers,
Paul

It’s not really a secret, but there’s a certain tactic I employ at Jacks events that I learned while waiting tables for 20 years. It’s the “safe touch” tactic.

It works like this. When a good waiter is experiencing a warm exchange with a table, when he likes the people and can tell they like him (or her), they will—very briefly, very sparingly—touch the customer.

It’s a somewhat risky move, since there are many establishments with explicit codes of formality, but it does something magical to the customer. It is like a hot injection of human warmth through a simple application of a friendly hand on the shoulder in passing. You may have experienced this yourself and not noticed its effect, Indeed, it is intended to have a profound effect while not drawing attention to itself.

What is happening is this: whether the server’s motivations are sincere or ulterior (and it’s often a mix of both), he is giving a sip of cool water to a person who has just crawled in from the desert. He is satisfying a thirst so primal, but so long endured as to have been forgotten.

Here’s what I do: When I enter the playspace for Jacks events, I make a point of connecting above the waist, making eye contact, smiling warmly, and touching men on the shoulder in greeting. I give them the touch they crave; simple, human touch. What I am doing is helping them to be present, welcoming them as complete people, not just penises and desires for penis. I am making an overtly friendly gesture, establishing friendly touch as a cultural norm in the club.

I have the power to do this effectively, because everyone knows I am the leader of the club. Regardless of my objective value as a leader, I understand that we are animals that form tribal groups, and that all groups reflect the leaders in a multitude of ways. This is true of all human groups. Every business, club, sports team, political party… all reflect the leader. I know that, and I try to constructively build an honorable community by treating every individual with honor.

I consciously affirm each person I encounter with my attention, my generosity, my willingness to assert reasonable boundaries with kindness and compassion, my willingness to open myself up and share freely in a safe space. I do this especially with new members and, I hope, that expression of human values is reflected among the rest of the club membership to the point that it becomes a self-sustaining culture. A community.

I think that’s a better context for friendly sexual play than one that focuses on power, domination, submission, intoxication, desperation, fantasy, delusion and illusion. I see those destructive aspects of gay sexual culture as products of our persistent, internalized shame about our sexual natures, not only as men attracted to men but as the long-suppressed, horny primates we all are in our overly-civilized world.

We all need to be touched, especially when we are infants, but we never completely lose the need for simple physical contact. We’ve been communicating through touch far longer than we have through speech. Before we enter the circle of men and our focus turns powerfully to our central organs of pleasure, I see it useful to conjure the complete man through friendly touch, to bring forth the whole person by simply smiling, looking in the eyes and reassuring that they are viewed as okay, worthy of connection with their fellows, through the most fundamental connection: a friendly touch.