in August of 2010, I posted this in my blog. It was, in fact, my first entry. Reading it today, I realize I’ve evolved in my thinking…
Five-plus years later, I no longer assume that the man stroking my penis with absolute fascination and focus is actually gay or bisexual. I’ve actually come to a place where I feel comfortable accepting—at least the possibility—that he is actually heterosexual… or at least that his identifying as heterosexual isn’t automatically denial.
This isn’t easy for me. Like anyone, I like my answers simple and my causations and explanations solid and identifiable. I like this-therefore-that explanations that don’t force me to think too much.
But there it is. Men who regularly co-pleasure other men at my JO club identify as “straight” and I have decided to take them at their word… to a point.
First, I believe (there’s that “B” word I can’t avoid) that straight guys can enjoy sexual pleasuring from another male, even enjoy a fascination with another man’s penis, without losing any of their attraction to or fascination with women.
Because I know them. I’ve met them and I’ve played with them. It actually feels different masturbating with straight guys, although it can feel intensely passionate from a physical perspective. There’s just something missing… a sense of more intimate bonding and recognition. They seem less invested in the act, even though they’re just as committed to the moment as I am.
“I’m just a slut” was the answer I got from one friend I asked about his sexuality. After further exploration, it came out that he felt and identified as straight, but because he enjoys sex play with men during three-ways with his wife, because he’s not resistant to it, he felt compelled to identify as “just a slut” rather than admitting that all he masturbates to are fantasies involving women.
You and I can label him “bisexual.”
And maybe all of this analysis is just more bullshit and we’re all simply struggling futilely to fit sexual attraction into those clearly defined compartments… just in a more nuanced way.
I do believe that there are constitutional differences between what we broadly think of as gay men and what we think of as straight men. Strangely enough, I no longer include the assumption that a man’s ability and desire to take sexual pleasure in another man is the sole defining characteristic of sexual orientation.
It really is okay to admit that we don’t know everything and that some things are confusing.
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