Month: October 2014

Hi Dan,

This is a new one for me! Nobody has ever showed up at a Jacks party wearing a chastity device. It sounds interesting… It would be interesting to see what the response from other members might be and honestly, it doesn’t break the rules so there’s nothing to stop you. The experiment might fail, of course, but it might not! If you want to try it out you’re welcome to give it a shot!

I am going to write a lot about NOBNOM. It was a very surprising and worthwhile experiment but for now, I’ll just confess that I made it 25 days… and then I masturbated.

Stay tuned for my full take on it very soon.

Very few men give great hand jobs to every cock. All of our penises are individual and have different routines, hot zones, red zones, green zones… There is no magic formula. Here are three practical suggestions to improving your hand job skills:

1. Pay attention to how you masturbate your own penis. Do you just jack off as a routine? Is it mostly utilitarian? STOP UTILITARIAN MASTURBATION! Make every masturbation an act of self love. Truly appreciate your own cock and spend plenty of time trying new ways of making love to yourself. Explore different lubes, grips, strokes, speeds, pressures and find out new ways to improve your self knowledge. Being good at sex with others (and a hand job is sex) starts with getting to know your own body.
2. Get lots of practice giving hand jobs. The best way I know of to do this is to join and attend a jack-off club. There you can not only get your hands on plenty of different cocks, you can elicit useful feedback. Cultivate a willingness to speak during sex play and ask what they like. Ask your buddy to demonstrate how he jacks off, and to jack you off the same way, pretending that your penis is his. That is incredibly useful feedback. If you can’t get to a jack off club, you can try a bath house or event put an ad on Craigslist, but play smart and don’t put yourself in dangerous situations without some kind of backup plan.
3. If you’re in a sexually monogamous relationship, start masturbating for each other. Spend one lovemaking session just displaying your bate for your lover. It is a fantastic way to be extremely intimate and learn so much about each other. Trust me on this.

Giving great handjobs comes from being in the moment, skillfully paying very close attention to the response a guy has to your touch. But please remember that not every guy can even get off with a hand job. We are all wired differently and I am very sure that there are men who right now would find what you have to offer is exactly right for them… You just have to find them and get your hands on their dicks. Please be sure you have their permission first.

This is just my opinion, but I don’t think there is any need for men with atypical orgasms to be segregated. I think that the people you should be playing with are the people you are attracted to, the people who make you breath heavy, that make your cock get hard, that make you want to touch them… Don’t limit yourself to “people like me,” because that really narrows your field. I promise you that you will not be condemned or looked down upon in any way because your cum doesn’t shoot out of your dick. That is not what the culture of my jack-off club is, anyway… I’ve been to many others and the culture is remarkably welcoming, positive, friendly and social. It is the most accepting social sex experience I have ever encountered.

I urge you to separate your feelings of embarrassment from your desire for male intimacy and connection. Take responsibility for self acceptance and at least commit to doing what you need to do to get right with the body you have. Even though it is working differently than it did before the surgery, it is still healthy and you clearly have sexual mojo to spare. Do your work. Work with a good, sex-positive therapist (and make sure they are unabashedly sex-positive) or therapy group and work on loving your body, your beautiful penis and your personal physical expression of ecstasy. It’s okay that it’s not like others!

And you should try coming back to RCJ again. Having gotten to know many of the thousands of men who come to the Jacks, I can tell you there are men who regularly attend who never have a single orgasm at all, or an erection. Many focus on the satisfaction of giving pleasure. There are also at least four men I know who don’t visibly ejaculate but still have wild orgasms and leave smiling and satisfied. It’s not about impressing others with your geysers. It is truly about letting yourself feel free to give in to pleasure among witnesses who celebrate and magnify that pleasure.

Get back here.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am grateful and happy to share my perspective with anyone who gets something out of it… I will only add that my focus may be on men, because that is the sexual arena in which I play, but I want all people to live free from the incredible bullshit humanity carries about sex. I think it is choking us and literally killing us.

I see much of the religious violence in the world proceeding directly out of intense sexual repression. Religions systematically put our sexuality under a heavy yoke of control and judgement and have created a world of billions of humans condemning themselves for their most innate, most joyous impulses. Women need to be freed to fully embrace and celebrate the sexual energy that flows through all of us just as much as men do. It’s at the core of being human.

So if my minute insights move the scales just a little toward sexual joy and away from sexual shame, I’m wildly happy for my meager contribution.