Earlier this week, in reaction to a picture showing a man masturbating with a Fleshlight, someone wrote : “I’m sorry. But what’s wrong with fucking people???”. I already replied to this in the reblog’s thread, but I feel the need to talk about this further.
Not that I want to keep on castigating this particular guy (I think it would be disrespectful and unwarranted), but because I believe his reaction is symptomatic of an issue many guys have with masturbation and, in particular, what I’m going to call augmented masturbation (basically, masturbation using something more than the hand).
In the privacy of their own homes, most guys will admit (to themselves at least) that they masturbate. They have to : they demonstrate the truth of this fact to themselves twice a week on average (and in many case even more often). Yet, years of chastisement and scoffing obviously has taken its toll on many guys’ propinquity with their own sexuality. They have learned to be ashamed of it : male sexuality is sinful, dirty, filthy or stinky. Indeed, these are the adjectives you will often find equated or linked with an evocation of male sexual urges in the communal sphere. No wonder, then, that any attempt at meeting one’s need also gives rise to feelings of shame and even disgust. That is to be expected when one has been trained to believe that the only acceptable male behaviour is to fuck, everything else being an ugly failure.
The problem being, of course, that this assertion (fucking as being only acceptable male behaviour) is wrong. Even the most sexually active guy (in a way that’s in accordance to societal expectations) is never going to be active enough to fulfil his own sexual needs. And most guys are respectful enough anyway (and have other obligations too) to refrain from fucking as much as they’d need, in order to quench their sexual appetite. So the expectation that a man should only fuck, to the point of excluding any other sexual frolic, is doomed to failure.
But more than that : being forever sexually primed (see note ) means that an outlet is needed. Masturbation, as a matter of consequence, is an integral part of a normally constituted human male’s life. Masturbation, simply put, is the corollary of a man’s virility. If a man is fit enough to fuck, then he obviously needs to masturbates. In other words, a man masturbates because he’s sexually potent. It’s a demonstration that he is sexually fit.
This is not, obviously, how masturbation is usually explained to young people. And if it was, men would likely feel much less guilty for the time they set aside to masturbate.
Yet, everything would still not be all rosy and upbeat. Because if one can get to grips with the idea that masturbation can be normal, it is apparently much harder to accept that masturbation can also be pleasurable. Once again, a totally inadequate guilt rearing its ugly head, spoiling an innocent deed.
When bringing forward the idea that male masturbation can be pleasurable (past the expected basic orgasm and ejaculation) a lot of uneasiness surfaces. The suggestion of augmented masturbation techniques (such as edging or gooning) or tools (such as dildos [Aneros] or sleeves [Fleshlight, Tenga Flip…]) is enough to create embarrassment and elicit dismissive comments such as the one stated in this text’s intro. As if masturbation could only be acceptable if utilitarian and (relatively) boring. As if such augmented masturbation could be so satisfying as to make a man uninterested in sex !
In fact, it’s quite the opposite. While great sex provides a fantastic feeling of relief and satisfaction, great sex also makes you want to have even more sex. Good sex doesn’t extinguish desire, it boosts it. And in case you forgot, masturbation is sex. Thus, augmented masturbation techniques, by exposing you to great pleasurable sexual stimulation, both increase your sexual satisfaction and make you even more sexually alive. In case of doubt, read comments made by edgers or users of sex tools and you’ll see that, as a rule, they are far from being sexually doused. To the contrary. To be honest, the only downside to augmented masturbation is that it won’t make you settle for stale and meaningless partnered sex anymore. But you will never turn away from good partnered sex because of this. No one has. Masturbation isn’t a substitute for penetrative sex.
Augmented masturbation techniques help us tune into our penis, connect with our penis, and nurture the pleasure we get from our sex. As they breed pleasure without a story line, they help us connect to our bodily needs, without filters or screens to hide our needs from view. Augmented masturbation techniques help us get in touch with our sexuality and increase our sexual happiness.
Despite all the negative undertones given to masturbation as a whole and to solitary pleasure in particular, the fact that a man masturbates is a demonstration of his sexual readiness and fitness. Moreover the fact that a man takes the time to connect to his sexuality through edging and masturbation-enhancing tools simply means that he’s making the most out of his sexual abilities. Fucking a Fleshlight, for instance, won’t bore him from partnered sex : to the contrary, it kindles his fondness for it.
Masturbation in general, and augmented masturbation techniques in particular, are good for you. They are non-toxic, non-addictive, unobjectionable, wholesome and certainly pleasurable. Stop shrugging them off.
 Unless you have a harem, I guess, but that isn’t a socially acceptable solution nowadays either.
 It should be noted that sexual drive of males (of any species) has to be much higher than that of females in order to ensure the availability of semen whenever the female is in oestrus. Hence, unless a male is servicing many females.
 I refer to them as tools rather than toys, as I find the latter a bit dismissive. Besides, we guys, love playing with tools !
 Penetrative sex isn’t a substitute for masturbation either.
 Once again : edging, gooning and the various masturbation enhancing tools.
This is almost a rant… and one I absolutely can get behind.
As far as I am concerned, partnered sex and masturbation are complementary. In my view, both are not irreconcilable and certainly not in competition with one another.
I need partnered sex for the shared emotions, the bonding, and obviously also for the joy of fucking. This said, when I have sex with another guy (or gal), I tend to focus on my partner’s feelings and to forget my own needs and those needs of mine tend to be less fulfilled in the end. I am aware and readily admit that this is a hurdle for me to work on, and that I should allow myself to be cared for as much as I care for others. Yet, it still affects my overall satisfaction when having partnered sex. (Although the issue is less blatant when I have sex with a guy or gal who’s also not too self-centred [which is the case with my current boyfriend].)
It is not enough to deter me from partnered sex (far from it), as there are many things that I find in partnered sex that I don’t get from solo sex. However, total and deep physical relief is not part of that package. There are even some aspects of psychological relief I don’t get with partnered sex (although it does bring some relief of its own). Anyway, for all those things that partnered sex doesn’t provide me, masturbation does.
I need solo sex for the emotional and physical intensity (I acknowledge that I am in need of a lot). The utilitarian quickie excluded, masturbation provides the potency and completeness that I am in need of. Through my hands, my lubes, my toys, masturbation coasts me on the edge for as long as I need, makes me moan like crazy for as much as I need, provides the kind of stimulation that I need in real time, making me intensely happy. Solo sex gives me the strongest pleasure, leading to full ball-draining ejaculations… if and when I decide to (maybe after a few days, maybe the next time I have sex with my boyfriend, maybe an hour later). I definitely need this solo time.
For me, masturbation is as an essential dimension and expression of my sexuality. Certainly as much as partnered sex.
This entry reflects my own experience as closely as anything I’ve read before.
In my years of communicating with men about jack-off clubs, I am repeatedly impressed by the tendency to see masturbation and partner sex as a zero-sum, binary choice, as if we only get to have one or the other. I find that ludicrous on its face but it persists.
We are comprehensive sexual beings by nature, with the ability to connect with both others and ourselves through this intense, natural process of sexual activity. We can focus on ourselves or on others or on both and this is what we are evolved to do, plainly evident from the ubiquity of sex. We are masturbating and sucking and fucking all over the world like the horny, horny apes that we are.
It’s not a matter of either/or… Sex is all about “and.”
I’m still bummed that Vancouver Jax folded after its brief run. You guys deserve to have your own community of bators to connect with. Until somebody puts that together again, you will always be welcome in Seattle.
Thank you, brother. I do indeed feel a deep brotherhood with my fellow men as the result of decades of mutual masturbation with a vast array of different men. I feel that it’s opened me up to a more authentic, more human experience of myself and others. I’m grateful for that.
I make no bones about having my own tastes too and part of that is a strong preference for “meat space,” being actual, intimate physical contact with men. I’m sure it’s partly a function of my age, but as compelling as electronic media is, I find it unsatisfying as a direct form of sexual play. I don’t use video chat anymore and I don’t cam in any way, although I enjoy making videos and watching them. If the person on the other side of the camera is live though, I find it strangely disconnecting in a way post-produced porn isn’t… for me.
I have a few bate buddies I connect with one-on-one from time to time, and my favorite is a beautiful and charming cub who loves BW vid chat. I’m sure you’ve seen him there because he’s way, way into it. I don’t judge him or you or anyone for that. “The penis wants what the penis wants” as a brilliant young friend of mine likes to say.
So I do thank you and you won’t see me video chatting on BW or anywhere else. It just doesn’t work for me.
Thank you for the generous words! I wouldn’t characterize myself as all about the bate, though. I’m just all about sexual joy and for me, that includes embracing all this fantastic sex I have with myself, and the vast opportunities for connection with my fellow man when penetration is taken out of the equation… but I also love oral sex, both giving and receiving. Just wanted to clarify that wee point… 😁
As far as starting a JO group, I would strongly urge you to think small. If a guy likes to cook, he shouldn’t jump right to opening a restaurant… He’d start by having a friend over for dinner, then a small group and then, maybe, Thanksgiving! Baby steps that focus on the thing you like and want to experience, not a big production.
Starting, sustaining and growing a jack-off club is a massive amount of work and while I am proud of my club and grateful for the numerous opportunities the circumstances of my life grant to allow me to do it successfully, Most attempts at running a club don’t last very long if they ever even get off the ground.
I urge you to explore social networks like bateworld.com and try reaching out to men you find in that forum who live in your area. A small number will be up for a get-together. Start hosting them at your place or in a safer, neutral setting. There will be some trial and error as you weed out guys who want more than JO or flakes who don’t even show up, but before long, you’ll have a circle to jerk with.
It takes time and patience to make it work. The USA is far more sex-negative and bate-negative than we suspect because we’re so used to it, so most guys are terrified of the very idea of jacking off with a buddy or two or ten… If you want it, start small and see what makes sense for you.
Remember too that thousands of men relocate, move to cities where they can experience and express their passions more freely. This has gone on forever and it’s no different for a bator. I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about moving to a city with a thriving JO club… but you might want to plan a short visit first. Best of luck!
I think that Rain City Jacks is a pretty friendly club, but I’m understandably biased. We have a number of bigger guys and most of us are actually of average endowment. I’ve had amazing, prolonged sessions with men at the club who had smaller than average penises. For me, it’s far more about the energy a man brings to the moment than his endowment. If you love penis, and love the penis you have, just bring that joy with you and share it. You’ll have a great time and find plenty of buddies to penis with.
If by “jack off” you mean masturbate solo to orgasm, about once a day. If I have sex with someone else—and I include mutual masturbation as sex—I may skip masturbating for a day beforehand to boost my libido and cum more, but I also masturbate twice on many days, more than compensating for the occasional day of abstinence.