Month: November 2010

I need your help, dear reader. I am working on yet another piece about our favorite pastime (not baseball) and I want to enlist the help of the bater brethren who read this. And no, I don’t care it you are primarily a bater. If you are a man with a functioning penis (and at least marginal language skills) you qualify to answer this.

Please click on the Comments link below and do this:

Define, in your own words, the word, “masturbation.” It does not have to be complete or perfect, just state, in your own words, what masturbation is. Please do not consult a dictionary or encyclopedia or your roommate first. You know this one already. Just put it in your own words and share it.

Ready? Set? Go!

I don’t use the word “spiritual” or “spirituality” to describe mental, emotional and physical experiences I do not understand. I’m an atheist and prefer to either describe my experience as well as I can using non-spiritual terminology, or just say “I don’t know.”

Speaking only for myself, the term “spiritual” is another way of saying “supernatural.” I don’t believe in the supernatural so that doesn’t fit for me.

I’ve heard the word “solosexual” used a lot lately—probably because I have been spending some time at Bateworld—and it got me thinking about some of these adjectives we use as nouns to describe ourselves.

I think that virtually all men and women have a solosexual life, a special relationship with their own body. For some, it’s a dysfunctional relationship to be sure, but we all have it. It’s probably the place where we are most intimately ourselves, most authentically the way we really are sexually, if there is any place where we are mostly authentic about sex… It’s generally hard to see the ape libido inside the human wrapping.

I’m going to write more about this later (or a lot sooner) but like “addict” and “compulsive masturbator,” I think “solosexual” is generally misappropriated by masturbation enthusiasts, even though there are certainly a lot of genuine solosexual people out there, I wonder how many who claim this identity are genuinely satisfied to forever eschew sex with others in favor of sex with self. That is, after all, the true definition of a solosexual person: sexual to the exclusion of others.

I do feel that a regular, positive masturbation practice is a healthy part of any person’s life, and that having a good sexual relationship with the self is necessary to have a fully satisfying relationship with others. I also feel that this is a solosexual space that such healthy individuals cultivate for themselves, but that for most people, it will not exclude the experience of sex with a partner, a series of partners or a social group.

And those are the three potentials of sexual experience that comprise all others: solo-, partner- and social-sexual realms of experience. In modern culture, most of us grow up in a solosexual space and then move into more partner-based sexual relations, with most never fully leaving the solosexual space but either maintaining it as a secondary or even primary practice. A small number will also experience the social-sexual opportunities that a JO club or other more open sexual community may provide.

I consider myself a mix of all three, moving from one to another area of sexual potential and overlapping them, which is how I feel most balanced within myself. Sometimes, I am more solosexual, but at other times I desire partner sex, and then I have this desire for regular social-sexual activity, which I experience at the Jacks. I know that many of the Jacks feel differently about it than I do, but I wonder how many share this social experience of sex, of feeling intimately part of a community that is not just supportive of one’s sexual health, but actively invites group sexual experience.

I think this social/communal sexuality is the heart of the experience that sets the Jacks apart from what we do alone or with our wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends. I also think that it is so foreign to the way most of us have learned and integrated the common narrative of human sexuality, that it’s difficult to even conceptualize a healthy group experience much less accept it.

I’ll get into this more… I welcome your thoughts and insights in the comments section.

Back in early June, I had the misfortune of getting an infection “down there.” Not an STI of any kind, just a nasty little bacterial infection which could have, of course, killed my generously-porportioned ass… As you might imagine, I asked my doctor how I got such a thing and his answer was, “Bad luck.” That sort of took the wind out of any niggling guilt for having possibly done something a little over the edge… like jacking off with a couple-dozen guys in one night…

My doctor knows all about my little club and my frequent co-masturbatory exploits.

To be specific, I had a “UTI,” an acronym many women know all too well: Urinary Tract Infection. My bladder, urethra and (as a special, added bonus) my prostate were all rife with bacteria that somehow fought its way up my piss slit into what was undoubtedly a stress-compromised immune situation. A bad bug plus bad timing equals a bad infection. Emergency Room bad.

Among an alarming array of symptoms, I had the first actual fever I can recall having in the past 20 or 30 years. I just never get fevers. Or at least I didn’t until this little bastard struck. It was a fascinating and surreal thing having an actual fever. The violent shakes in particular were amazing to me.

But without going into too much detail, I will get to the pertinent part that I find I am still living with today. My cum has changed.

The ER doc put me on a strong antibiotic, a “big gun” is how my doctor referred to it. I was on it for a few weeks as the stubborn infection finally abated and I returned mostly to normal function. I could pee again, and very significantly for me, I was horny again.

I have long considered my libido to be a primary barometer of my general health. If I had a terrible cold but was still horny, I figured I couldn’t be all that sick.

So with the return of my libido came the return of masturbation and the return of semen… sort of. It was not the same. It was… looser. More liquid. Less viscous. More pearly than milky. I know this isn’t a huge thing, and I’m glad to produce any seed at all after this episode. Even so, it’s disquieting when an essential substance in your life changes its character. Not better or worse, just… changed.

And now, over five months later, I am still somewhat altered. I plan to bring this up at my next physical in January, although I’ve sort of gotten used to it. I’m hoping he just tells me that I’m fine and to stop worrying…

But here’s the thing: I am hornier too. I am also coming in noticeably larger quantities and more explosively than I was. Yes, it is not as thick, but it sure as hell is plentiful, as many of my recent activity partners can attest: I’ve been something of a jizz fountain…

I now routinely hit myself in the face when I jack off. And I now get a good five spurts followed by two or four little ones. This is not how it was before my June adventure in infection. I’m otherwise completely normal and healthy.

This is not bragging. It is also certainly not a recommendation of UTI in order to achieve more explosive orgasms… It is just what it is: An odd and possibly interesting development in the ongoing sex life of a middle-aged Jack Daddy. I’m certainly enjoying it while it lasts. Getting really sick gives one, if nothing else, a certain enhanced perspective on being healthy: It’s far preferable.

So here I am with my extra juice production, albeit the “less pulp” variety. I feel perfectly healthy now so I don’t hold back from demonstrating my newfound surfeit of seminal fluid. You’re certainly welcome to drop by any RCJ event to see for yourself, even if you have no pre-June frame of reference.

That’s all. Just a little story…

A very brief screed. If you’re one of those guys who really likes the thought of other guys jacking off and you still want to call yourself “straight,” you’re probably not going to like it.

Sorry, but I want to be perfectly honest about this.

People are horny apes. All of us. Women, men… All a bunch of horny apes. And of all the apes, we are among the horniest. When this hyper-libido gets combined with the possession of a big brain, and a lot of delusional religious conditioning, we end up with situations like the following, with which I have grown far, far too familiar…

A guy considers himself straight, but he thinks a lot about jacking off with other dudes. Whenever he jacks off by himself, he imagines the hand wrapped around his cock belongs to some other guy. Maybe he imagines his workout partner, or his boss, or his cousin, or his uncle, or his sergeant or his priest… Whoever he imagines is stroking his dick is also someone who has a dick of his own.

Then, this straight guy “just happens” to be leafing through the classified section of a gay newspaper, or stumbles upon a web site, and finds out that there’s a jack-off club in his very own town!

The next thing, this straight guy shoots an email to the club’s published info address, asking for information, stating unambiguously that he is “interested” in the jack-off club, but is also very clear that he is straight, and doesn’t want to belong to a “gay” club.

… Because somehow, guys jacking off together isn’t gay …

I’ve started losing my patience with these guys. Not because I don’t believe a straight guy can enjoy jacking off with another man. I really believe that can and does happen.

But seeking out a jack-off club, going to the trouble to cover one’s tracks, to hide one’s involvement, just to be in a big room full of men, just men, all masturbating and watching each other stroke and moan and squirt together, totally getting into each other’s dicks and sharing sexual pleasure together… going to that level of trouble to do something that’s supposedly just a sidebar to one’s “actual” sexual nature… that just sounds delusional to me. Seriously delusional and seriously self-loathing.

And it’s one example of how we execute all manner of mental gymnastics to trick ourselves into thinking that the sex we want isn’t sex… just so we can have that sex that we want.

I have news for my curious friends: Butt-fucking is not the qualification for a gay card. Cock-sucking is not necessary to genuinely be gay or bi. What sets a man apart from those purely heterosexual men is his desire. It’s all about what he wants, regardless of whether he acts upon it or not. A gay man who never touches another man, is never naked with another man for his entire life… is just a gay man without a sex life. A bisexual man who only has sex with women is still bisexual.

It’s not the external activity that determines a person’s sexual orientation. It’s the internal drives that command his attention.

I’m all in favor of everyone getting to explore their sexual desires—short of hurting others, violating confidence or breaking local laws, of course—but please stop insisting you are 100% straight when you are trying very hard to jack off with other dudes! At the very least, refer to yourself as “curious.” Accept that! Let yourself be curious! Leave the door of your life’s possibilities open to self-discovery. If you’re really straight, you will ultimately feel indifferent about stroking another guy’s erect, pulsing penis.

But experience doesn’t change who you are in reality, only reveals who you are through the proof of your body’s affirmation or invalidation of your desire.

Stop chopping the universe of sex up into little bits and dividing them into sections… (These here are real sex, but these over here are just naughty and those are definitely not sex…)

You know sex because your cock gets hard or your pussy gets wet. Your nipples get stiff and your skin flushes. You breathe heavy, your brain starts pumping out chemicals that make you focused and aggressive and if you keep it up, you may have an orgasm… That includes masturbation alone, with a buddy, with a hundred buddies or with a woman. It includes getting a blow job in a steam room or under the covers from your wife or in a women’s room from a prostitute. It includes fucking a pussy, an ass, a couple of tits or a rubber doll…

It includes fucking the First Lady or getting a blow job from an intern…

Sex is something your body knows, understands and wants, regardless of how you deny it. Stop parsing it and just explore it like an adult, not a frightened kid. You will only learn more about yourself including what you really want, really like, really don’t want and really don’t like. You just grow up into who you really are.

And as many have said before me, it is ultimately just sex! It will keep taking up too much space in your life until you stop suppressing it. Whether you find out you’re really gay or have a touch of the bi or are really, completely straight, you emerge more complete, more who you really are and less a creature made out of bullshit, which is what all of my sad, closeted brothers are, when you get right down to it.

Sorry to rant…

(UPDATE)

I don’t really care how anyone identifies, unless that identification is contradicted by their stated intentions and manifest actions. Then, it’s just a bizarre circus of rationalizations and justifications to do what you want to do without knowing yourself. Straight guys absolutely get curious about sex with dudes on occasion, but straight guys do not pursue that curiosity with focused energy over and over and over… That’s a whole lot more than “curiosity” my friend. That’s an abiding desire for sex with dudes. That is what you call a “sexual orientation.”

You may not like “labels” for people, but calling a green plate a red cup and trying your damnedest to convince yourself and everyone else that that green plate is really a red cup… That’s denying the obvious and no argument is going to factually make that green plate anything other than what it is (and it’s not going to make it any easier to drink coffee out of). That’s not labeling. That’s seeing things as they are and making the best use of them.