There’s a guy I fuck these days. He’s mostly my type: Hairy, horny, bearded and playful. He’s also one of these guys very into anal sex and specifically being a bottom. For whatever reason, he is into me and into me topping him. It’s a decent FB relationship because there’s mutual attraction. BUT…
I’m just not all that into fucking. I get tired of it after a while. Pounding deep into another man is fun for me, but it doesn’t really get me off. I almost never orgasm this way. What I enjoy is my partner’s pleasure and that a bottom can get off just from me fucking him. The thing is, I’m being #GGG here, not really going for what I myself enjoy the most from sex.
Let’s call him “John” because that’s not his name and it’s as generic as it gets. John hits me up all the time. I like him. If I didn’t like him and his attention, I’d do the fade away or just give him a gentle brush-off. My dick does pop out of my pants fully hard whenever we get together, and he does turn me on. It’s a decent opportunity for sweaty mansex on the regular and I do enjoy it. I just don’t cum with him. I fuck him until he comes, then I just relax with him for a while, chat a bit and then we part ways on good terms.
And then I masturbate or get a blow job and release a sperm load made massive from lots of prolonged fucking.
Then there’s “Mike,” another pseudonymous friend, for whom I have long held an intense attraction. When I got the opportunity to romp with him, I was once again confronted with a great guy who needed a hard fuck to feel satisfied. I adore this man. We’re Facebook friends and he remains one of my favorite individuals but after finding out that his needs are the needs of the voracious bottom, I’m just not into getting naked with him again. He still turns me on like crazy but when I imagine the follow-through, I lose the drive to make anything happen IRL. If he asked me to fuck him again, I probably would but unless we mixed it up, I know that an orgasm wouldn’t be in the cards and I really like orgasms.
There have been a very few situations when I actively wanted to fuck a partner and an equally small number of times when I wanted to be fucked. It is, for me, a very rare, very intimate, very particular desire and I’m all for exploring that when it happens. But I genuinely do not experience these specific acts as “mandatory” for the purpose of having great, deeply satisfying sex with another man and I feel sorry for guys whose satisfaction depends on that one act as if nothing else was sex.
I don’t like to specifically label myself a “masturbator” (at least, not when I’m doing anything other than masturbating) because while that is absolutely one of the things I am, it’s not my defining characteristic. Neither is being a top or a cocksucker. Those identities exist in the fantasies and beliefs of my sex partners. They see me as a top, or a bottom, or a cocksucker, or a bator or whatever… I see myself as a sexually engaged gay man. My goal in this realm is to be a good man for and with other men. That includes being a good lover, whether I’m penetrating another man’s holes or masturbating with strangers at a public urinal. I just want moments to be as good as they can be and for us to get what we need from these multitudes of acts connecting us with each other.
To masturbate with another man, to share our primary sexual activities with each other, has long felt to me like my easiest path to having sex with just about anybody. Displaying and demonstrating my self-love with another and being given permission to experiment with their most personal pleasure in the moment is my favorite sex, sex in which I almost always orgasm freely and with the most intensity. That’s me.
And I’m still going to do other things because life is short, different people need different things and I never, ever want to find myself in a rut.
Writer, singer, baker, Mac geek, production artist, “daddy” and the founder/manager of Rain City Jacks, a non-profit J/O club in Seattle, Washington.