You can’t hide and have pride.

Just a brief thought on Pride 2014…

I deal with guys who “value discretion” all the time. I understand. Guys who have sex with guys don’t often feel perfectly okay with their boss (or their boyfriend, wife, kids, mom) finding out. I get it.

But here’s the thing about hiding the important stuff about ourselves (and make no mistake, sex is The Important Stuff): It is virtually always done out of shame, fear and distrust.

Also, the act of hiding our authentic selves attaches meaning to that aspect of ourselves: It establishes and reinforces the personal belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us.

I consider that garden variety shame as a tragic cultural disease. It’s a pandemic of self-defeat.

It is hard to be true. Incredibly hard. We are all raised in cultures of suppression where we learn to hide our true natures from infancy to grave. Hiding is fundamental to our understanding of our universe.

Denial is hiding. Lying is hiding. Obfuscation is hiding.

I am making a broad, sweeping statement of opinion here. I deeply believe that all personal acts of hiding are literally self-destructive. When we deny our self, we harm our self. It’s so epidemic we don’t even smell the rot of our dying joy that hangs in the air. We think the roles we’re playing are our real lives and it’s tragic and stifling.

My personal mission in life has three vital components: Be authentic. Be balanced. Be generous.

I can’t be 100% authentic because I live in the same suppression culture that you do. But I am committed to consistently releasing lies, being more true today than I was yesterday, and letting go of every obfuscation, distraction and fiction I have constructed about myself that I may discover as I go.

So I’m going to offer some advise to you on this Pride: Practice telling the truth and noticing where and how you are hidden. Recognize how the secrets you keep poison your moments. Consider how you might diffuse the bombs of undisclosed truth and eliminate their peril from your life.

The real me does not fit any standard narrative. Nobody’s authentic self fits anybody’s standard narrative. All standard narratives are easy answers to complex realities. Fuck them. I need to be myself in all my slutty, messy, complex and living glory and I don’t give a shit if it doesn’t fit your idea of a normal life. It’s my life. Yours is yours.

Hiding is antithetical to pride. If you really want to experience pride, dignity, joy… stop hiding.

Hi Paul . Would you know of any JO clubs in the Baltimore Md area ? Thanks

The closest club to you is about 90 miles away in Philadelphia, at least according to my best information. Philadelphia Jacks meets about four times a month and has been in operation for many years. I heartily recommend them.

But I see no clubs meeting regularly in the Baltimore area. My suggestion is to use to search for guys in your area who might be up for organizing get-togethers.

Obsessive, not Compulsive

My husband and I have several differences. One is libido and along with that, frequency of masturbation. He has to remember to masturbate. I have to regulate it to keep from overdoing it.

It started when a friend shared an article with me with recent data on frequency of masturbation. For my age group, (men age 50–59) I was, of course, in the top percentile of 6.4% of men who masturbate 4 or more times per week. (of course the 18% of men 18–24 claiming they have not masturbated in the past year calls the whole thing into question but let’s ignore that for now).

I am also, and I admit this freely, more than a little obsessive about all kinds of things. I am not a compulsive masturbator, really, but I am an obsessive organizer. I like to put things into order so as to achieve maximum effectiveness in everything. My masturbation practice is very much affected by that obsession.

I regulate my self-love so that I have a good balance of desire and satisfaction, and a regular and complete orgasm and ejaculation routine to keep everything working well. I achieve orgasm six to eight times per week, normally twice a day every other day. Most of that cumming is brought about by masturbating (solosex). I also have two or three group jack-off sessions a month, occasional blow jobs in the steam room and a few good fucks a year (not much, I know).

The every-other-day cycle of full release and abstinence keeps my testosterone engine perking nicely. Some days are simply for being horny and others are for satisfying that horniness.

The hard part has been stepping back from my decades-long commitment of always saying yes to penis. When my penis asked for attention, I would simply say, “Sure! Let’s go!” and happily tug my precious to paradise anytime. I had a similar approach to guys showing interest in me and my mojo. If they turned me on, I just went for it.

I know… That’s a big “if.” Fortunately for my partners, I have a reasonably broad taste in men.

But I digress. My point is this: I know I’m not one of these self-proclaimed “compulsive, addicted masturbators.” I think many of the guys who wear that identity like a badge of honor are just enthusiastic bators and edgers and not genuinely addicted (Don’t freak out… You can identify any way you like but I still get to call bullshit. Also, I believe there are actual masturbation addicts, just fewer than many of us think).

I’m just obsessive about most things and it serves me well. I think of it as a character asset rather than any kind of defect.

What difference does it make to you? Maybe none. But if you’ve been wanting bigger loads of cum, more desire or higher T, maybe you’re just jacking off a little too frequently and maybe there are systems you can put into place that will help you get what you want.

Or maybe I’m just bragging about my thriving sexuality at 55. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Is there a place in any JO club for guys who love caress and be caressed even though they themselves have erectile dysfunction? I’m 61, 207 lbs, diabetic, and for the past two years have found it increasing difficult to get hard. I’m on alpha and beta blockers. I can still blow a load but instead of it happening repeatedly on a daily basis it’s now maybe once a week with a soft cock. The idea of being among healthy horny hard cocks when mine is flaccid seems appallingly stupid.

The answer is yes. There is a place in most JO clubs (including mine) for guys with ED. When we say we do not discriminate, we mean it. The only thing that is unwelcome is bad behavior, which means breaking the rules or treating other members disrespectfully.

If physical contact with other men is important to you, if masturbation is a satisfying part of your sexual experience, there’s a good chance you will find a place for yourself at the Jacks. Here’s the challenge: The majority of men who go to JO clubs are specifically into hard cock. You may share that fascination yourself. I know I do. Some guys are specifically into big, hard cock. I am not especially picky about size. I personally get into guys with smaller dicks, but I’m more interested if they’re hard. When I am playing with a guy and I notice his cock is not getting hard, in the absence of more information, I will assume that he is not into me or intimidated by me or both. I will often move on to someone who seems to want what I have to offer in the moment.

In some cases, there’s nothing you can ultimately do about it. If a guy needs your erection to be motivated to stay with the experience, that’s the end of things. There’s no point in trying to keep him there because the satisfaction of jacking off with other men is mutual pleasure.

Here is a possible solution: First, you need to recognize that not all men are the same. Not all men are turned on by the same things or turned off by the same things. We too frequently assume that we know what another guy is experiencing, thinking and being motivated by. The solution is clear communication about sex.

Second, you need to recognize that there will be other men at every JO club who understand exactly what your sexual challenges are because they share them. Another guy with similar challenges may get great pleasure out of helping you experience great pleasure. The fact is, far more of us males get off primarily on the pleasure of others, either witnessing it or directly facilitating it, than we think there are.

If you don’t ask for what you want—even, on occasion, explicitly demonstrating exactly what you like and how you like it—then the other guy is going to go with his assumptions. It’s your responsibility to communicate what’s really happening.

It is true that for every man, being as generally healthy as you can be is the path to being as sexually healthy as you can be. Do all you can to reduce your weight, get some exercise you enjoy and manage your illness and then open yourself up to the sex that is available to you. One option is a JO club. If that’s a scene that turns you on, it’s a good option.

But you need to be ready to take responsibility for your own pleasure and not invest everyone else with the power to determine the terms of your satisfaction. If and when you encounter someone you like to play with (and it will happen in time) talk to him. Tell him, explicitly, that your dick may not get hard, but it feels good to you and that you can and want to cum.

Show him how to work with your dick. Demonstrate how to masturbate your penis, how to make you cum. Give feedback while he does it, letting him know you like that… that this or that feels good or that he needs to go faster, slower, with longer or shorter strokes, that you need your balls stroked or your nips tickled, pinched or bitten. Be ready to jack off for him, to get yourself off in front of him. If many monogamous couples did this, they’d be a hell of a lot more intimate and know a hell of a lot better how to have good sex together and maybe have more success being successfully monogamous (not that I’m into monogamy… I’m just sayin’.)

Disabuse yourself of the notion that JO clubs are only full of healthy horny hard cocks. That is not a requirement of membership. Yes, there are plenty of hard dicks, but we are real men, not ideal men. You need to try and enjoy the variety and the difference if you’re going to really get the most out of a JO club… if this really is something for you.

And sometimes, you are going to only really indulge in giving pleasure, to fully enjoying the generosity of some guy with a “healthy horny hard cock” willing to enjoy your enjoyment of it.

I’m going to lose my erectile function some day. I will lose my ability to ejaculate. I will stop having orgasms. It is also true that either I will be alone or my husband will be alone. I’m going to lose everything in my life that I love. This is not a risk, it is certainty. All of us lose everything.

I try to remember that every day and I never, never, never avoid being present to the loss of loved ones. Everything we have in life is temporary. Everything. My ability to be happy depends on my ability to experience and appreciate loss. It’s something you only learn the hard way.

So go to your doctor and be as clear as you are able that sex is important to you. See what is possible. If your doctor doesn’t help, that’s when you seek a second opinion and a third. Do what you can on the physical side, but really, you need to let go of what others think and zero in on what you have power over: Your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own life.

I hate giving advice, but there it is. I know LOTS of men who have done just this. My JO club and every other JO club has members who never get hard, never ejaculate, but still return again and again because there is more to the experience of sex play than erection and ejaculation. They do it and so can you.

Get off the pity pot and start working with what you have. I’d start with that negative attitude that’s stopping you from exploring your options.